Miserable molecules of mildew

The Horizon…

2006-08-25T17:47:00.000+05:00

The water rose up to his ears. The voices around him grew fainter and fainter. He struggled to keep his eyes open. To understand what was happening. His taste buds felt the salt water turning bitter in his mouth. He had never felt so overpowered by anything. The force that pulled him down into the oblivion was too strong for him. Too strong for a mere mortal. Too strong for any help to breakthrough. He was trapped.

They say a man’s whole life flashes before his eyes when he’s about to die. But at that instant he was too confused to realize that the very fact was actually materializing itself. He had never believed that. His relation with fate was perhaps as strong as a snake’s relation with his young. He had never pondered over it, or perhaps never pondered enough. He was a happy go lucky soul, who had done in life as had pleased him. And lady luck had usually been on his side. Until today.

He now felt that he was seeing glimmering shades of his life. Strange, how all he remembered was his leaning on the ferry’s railing a few minutes ago. Strange how he remembered noticing the horizon being demarcated only by shades of blue. The lighter, skyline above and the deeper alluring blue of the sea below. The same horizon that was diminishing right before his eyes now. The same horizon, whose deeper blue he was now disappearing into. Becoming an eternal part of.

---------------------------------

The breeze had been beautiful. Soaked with the smell of sea salts, of coral. It was the kind of breeze which made one want to sing and sway his arms aimlessly like a child. He had joined in singing along with a couple of young boys on deck and celebrated the swaying breeze …

“I'm on the top of the world
lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation
I can find Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world………”

Nothing seemed out of place. There were a child playing with his dog and the latter running after a ball; an old man, probably a businessman of sorts, lying down reading the day’s paper. Another few middle aged men and women were lounging out on the deck trying to grab some sunlight which had however chosen to hide itself somewhere behind the clouds today.

Up on the first floor of the cruiser, dinner had just ended. People were flurrying outside the dining area now.

He remembered noticing her walk out onto the deck above and have held the railing. Her long black hair swayed in the sea breeze and her deep grey eyes seemed to search for something within those waters. He had noticed her time and again but he had not known her beyond these moments when she came out on the deck.

Her aura of calmness reminded him of his home. Her eyes seemed as full of life as the April breeze that blew in his backyard just before he had come on this journey. Her innocence as fresh as that of the children playing out on the streets. Her well-toned chocolate skin clothed in a flowing white linen dress seemed breathtaking. For these brief moments, he was mesmerized.

He had hoped to talk to her someday. And maybe if things went well, she would agree to come with him to his city. They could make the rest of the journey back home together. He could take her to meet his mother and his sister. It could be the start of something beautiful.
His mother, a joyful spirit that could even cheer up a blind mole with her laughter, would have liked her and perhaps she would have even made her special blueberry muffins for the occasion. He had smiled at the thought.

He remembered that his sister’s eighteenth birthday was coming up. He planned to take her a special souvenir from his journey. She was such a pretty young woman. And with such an able head on her shoulders too. He loved her more than anything in this world. They had seen so much together. She had been there like an advisor, a confidante, a best friend though she was so much younger. She had been there when he brought his first earnings home. When he first fell in love with a local girl and when she had left town. He had cried that day. She was there. Everytime. He had wished he could do the same for her sometime.

He had initially worried coming on the journey and leaving their mother alone. But he knew with his sister there, he had little to worry about. She was way mature than her tender age. More so ever since they lost their father. And besides he was only going to for three months. This little boost to his income was worth the three months away from home. It had meant that his mother would not have to work anymore. It meant that his sister could also just concentrate on her college. It had meant a better world for him and his family.

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The ‘silent’ breeze had turned into an almost wild wind now. He could hear the ‘swish’ in the wind as it rapped away against his shirt. He was taking all that the wind brought in into his lungs now. Inhaling deeply every time. He loved every second of it. This breeze was so different, so much better than the stagnant air that stood over the river near their house at home.

---------------------

Then it came. The thunder was first. Then the rumbling of the clouds. He saw people cursing the ‘bad’ weather and going back to their cabins. She had tried to tame her hair that blew in her face too. But after many failed attempts to do that, she had left for her cabin.
He was now alone on the deck. Except a few crew men who were trying scurrying around from one end of the ferry to the other as if trying to pacify the wind. He sniggered at the worried men.

He did not realize where the gush of water came from. Last thing he did remember was seeing a man in the blue crew uniform run past him yelling something. And stopping abruptly to look at him. He had smiled at the man. But the man looked apprehensive…bewildered…fearful. Then the man had yelled. The man’s bewilderment had transferred to him now. He was overwhelmed. There had been no time to act…or react…

----------------------

And now, there he was…gasping for air…sipping away the sea unwillingly. The flashes before his eyes had a luminous glint now. The railing…the blue uniform…the swish of the wind… her long mane…the white dress…his mother…the muffins…his sister…the river…the horizon…

It was over.

Hazaar Rahein....

2006-05-30T05:35:00.000+05:00

been listening to this song and loving it....

Hazaar Rahein, mur ke dekhin...
kahin se koi sada na aayi...

bari wafa se...
nibahi tum ne...
hamari thori se bewafai...

-----

Jahan se tum morr mur gaye thay...
ye morr ab bhi wahin parey hain...

Hum apney pairoon main janey kitney...
bhanwar lapaitey kharey hain...

-----

bari wafa se nibahi tum ne
hamari thori se bewafai....

-----

kahin kisi roz youn bhi hota...
hamari haalat tumhari hoti...

jo raat hum ne guzari
woh raat tum ne guzari hoti...

-----

bari wafa se nibahi tum ne
hamari thori se bewafai....

-----

tumhein ye zid thi ke hum bulatey
humein ye umeed ke woh pukare

hai naam hoontoon pe ab bhi lekin...
awaaz main par gaein dararein...

-----

Hazaar Rahein, mur ke dekhin...
kahin se koi sada na aayi...

bari wafa se...
nibahi tum ne...
hamari thori se bewafai...

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(p.s: for those who do not appreciate/understand such old songs, or such shairi, or anything in urdu...blah i couldn't care less...its just a shame that u don't)

Randomness

2006-05-30T04:54:00.000+05:00

It’s the quarter break...I'm supposed to be all happy but blah...none of that happens!

Sigh...

I have a ton of books to read...yes those I’m reading...slowly slowly...but the rest oft eh 'happy' stuff...sleeping waking up thinking omg no Lums today...skipping rather than walking...and that jazz...I dunno...I’ve not been that cheerful lately...

My friend has termed it the quarter-life crises...the time of your life starting after your 20 and wondering where your life is headed...perhaps it is that...those who are extremely curios can Google the term up...its an interesting thing waisay...doesnt help at all though...:/ its like a confirmation that yea it sucks...

Khair, as people go on LAS trips…and I don’t…start internships…and I don’t…plan on not taking the summer quarter and that I do…sleep while I worry about a research paper that I still have to do…and tell me how happy they are about the chutian, I sit her feeling nothing. Zilch. Zero.

For me, all its been is just another day....exams howe...days off...u sleep/orkut/msn/blog it away n voila...there’s another day!

blah...

In other news...my plan of interning at a daily paper got shot down my parents. For reasons not necessarily important. Sigh.

And in still other news...I tripped and fell on the stairs a few days ago...in Lums…yes...in a public place *big deal* :P hurt myself quite bad…scraped/bruised knees that have turned the ugliest shade of blue-purple I’ve ever seen and pain rising out of places I didn’t even think had bony structures :P…

Anyhow, it again made me come back to reality and see how things have changed since we have grown up. Also along the lines of what Rabia wrote in one of her latest posts…about hating to grow up…man…its happening too fast I tell you…khair…coming back to the topic…

I mean look at how people react when a little kid falls…they won’t stand at one side cringing or laughing or even asking from far away ‘are you’re ok
?’ and then turning and walking away without waiting for an answer…They would and help the kid up.

What changes when you grow older I ask? Is the 20 something adult not supposed to stumble in life? And if they are is it a rule that we will be so embarrassed to help that we won’t budge from our place??? (the psychological bystander effect…oh someone else will go to help…why should I?) The thought makes me sick really. What ugly creatures are we?

And this isn’t about me…please…if you think this is attention/sympathy gaining stint…it isn’t…I just want to bring to light what sad, ugly creatures we humans become when we choose to grow up the way the world does…

What’s more…I was reiterating this weird and amusing incident to a couple of ‘good’ friends…and their first reply to my statement ‘I fell on the stairs quite bad yesterday’ was “Oh shiit…how many people saw you fall?” :

Get a grip really…is that all that matters??? Yea it’s quite amusing…and I laughed at first too…but now I’m just saddened at the whole scenario…

Besides, I’m in the mood to rant…and rant I will…

So yes, stop and think what you would do. Laugh? Ask and walk away? Cringe and thank God it wasn’t you who got embarrassed like that? Or help the person up?

While we all want and claim to be the last kind…lets be honest, we will probably want to ignore we ever saw it happening.

And please if you hear anyone talk about an incident like that...the least you could do is ask how they are…not how many people saw them fall…doesn’t help them at all…even if you try to seek refuge under the rhetoric that you want to save them from embarrassment. Bloody hell you do! And I was born yesterday…:P

And it’s not just about this. I’ve realized you just don’t keep waiting for ‘someone else’ to do it…you grab a few guts and you step up. I’ve been ignorant myself at times yes…but well…I’ve resolved to change. Sigh.

Speaking of being born yesterday…again…sigh…the years go faster these days.

Anyway, I hereby declare that I shall stand for all fumble footed fools :) oh yes!

2006-05-28T04:22:00.000+05:00

you say you care?

baah you dont even know...

NO.

you don't.

delay the misery...

2006-05-23T15:07:00.000+05:00

You can't see the scars...
but the wounds are there...
so deep...

----

I've embellished the scars now..
with all things nice...
with the oblivion of this world..
ignorance even..

I've made the memory
Freeze within

----

Wash your hands off me..
let me free...
move on..

leave the misery behind...
we will come back to it another day...
another day...

I'll let myself go....
and you too...

I'll learn to rhyme..
and play with words...

I'll not be vulnerable...
I'll go with the herd...

so lets go today...
we can come back...

another day...

(p.s: the title ...but only that...is taken from eagle eye cherry's save tonight...:)

What have i become...my sweetest friend...

2006-05-23T03:51:00.000+05:00

just keeps coming back to this...somehow...more than ever this time...

She is standing at the crossroads. It’s a vicious vial of whirlwinds that is grabbing her by the back of her neck and pulling her in. She is overwhelmed by the force. She has given in to things she had always abhorred. She hates what she has become. It’s becoming hard to bear everyday.

She needs an escape. And she needs it now.

Otherwise she will soon be devoured. Lost forever in the redundancy of it all.

The memory is fading slowly…but it doesn’t go away…like dried marks left on an unwashed coffee cup. Perhaps, all that remains now is to wash away the marks. Forever.

Like wood sharpened off a pencil, a part of her is scraped off with every moment she’s alive. But in what ever fragile state it remains, it does not cease to exist. It is there nonetheless, it very much is.

Rain...

2006-05-22T21:56:00.000+05:00

Yes, we spend our lifetime enjoying the times when it rains…anyone who doesn’t stop to enjoy it has to be either insane…or uninteresting. Years of growing up admiring the almost seductive scent of the earth when it rains, eating pakoras and samosas, appreciating the refreshed look on the leaves. The revival of the spirit of all things.

But today was different. I went to ‘play’ in the rain with my two year old niece. This was the first rain she had consciously ‘felt’ in her little existence. She giggled like a giddy child, and squeezed her eyes closed shrugging her shoulders as if trying to protect herself from the raindrops in vain, enjoying the very feeling of them splashing on her face at the same time.

It got me wondering. How does it feel like to experience your very first rain? The first rain of your life. What would these little droplets of water mean to you? Why would it make you feel excited…happy…refreshed…Would you even remember it later?

I would love to sometime block out every little association that I have with rain or the time it rains. Every song that I’ve ever heard in the rain, every little memory I’ve made, every hour that I’ve sat by the window looking at the rain outside, every outdoors dinner we have had to pack because it started raining, every little water shed that we have built as children by clogging water outlets with socks and making our own make-believe sea…every little thing. I would want to go back in time and feel it for the first time. No strings attached. Can we get that kind of freedom from our own past?

No?
Such a pity…

stuff and nonsense

2006-03-12T04:42:00.000+05:00

its been what? 3 months? 4?

really a long time to let a BLOG stay there all alone..idle...

its not like i didnt have anything to write about...
oh i had SO much to blabber about that its not even funny...life moving as fast as a wheel in a hamsters cage...doesnt stop for a second...but well i just didnt write...

Because i realize writing is not something you do automatically....or robotically....u write because you want to write...not because you have an obligation to do so...and when ure working without obilgations....you dont care how much time has passed....

Maybe i didnt write cause i didnt have time? well, frankly...you never do have time...you have to decide to push time one way or the other.....even right now, there are ofcourse more "productive" activities that i could be doing...like for example writing the term paper that im already late for....but i chose to return back to this drab old website with its drab old background...and with writings that more or less have dust settling on them now....

i never came around to 'customizing' my blog so its seems oh so unique and 'qudsia' type..i mean ive seen the blogs ppl have...impressive stuff...really...but well, i have a sad old blog dont i? If anyone was to ask me..i would go all sombre on them and tell them that i go for simplicity...and they would believe me...be impressed even and nod their head as with an awestruck approval of a person who doesnt believe in superficial displays of her uniqueness..

but then again...maybe im actually JUST lazy:P...who can tell?

sadness...

So why did i not write?...u know i think i was scared...theres just so much at stake once you put up a post here...when i first set this up..i thought oh no one would ever read this...and then u get a wave of excitement and start writing about all and sundry every other day...even twice or thrice the same day....visiting other ppls blog...adding em up in your list...commenting on their posts and telling them u have a blog too...oh blah...eventually they become regular vistors to ur blog...which is really really sweet of them actually...

really, i mean its so good a feeling when someone asks u why u havent uupdated your blog? it makes you feel wanted..and thats what all humans crave for right? a sense of being wanted...
but then again i shouldnt generalize for all humans...we should never generalize....lums has taught me that....

lums has also taught me alot of other wierdness...like how u can pretend to be all smart by using a word that ends with the suffix 'ism'. but really i dont want to indulge into the tangle of my education right now...otherwise ill come off as a pretentious snob who of course being one of those typical SS majors is going to criticize the way the world is to prove how intellectually sound she is. And then ppl will look up to her as some wowie figure who thinks..or ppl will just shrug her off as being wierd...and then eventually she will start beliving that she really is smart and the minions know nothing about the REAL world out there.

seriously now...its all a hoax...Intellectualism, SS majors, ACF majors...everything...u educate you own self...ur major can do nothing about what you eventually learn and decide to keep with u at the end of the day.

there are other hoaxes in the world too...if i was to speak of what ive learned so far at uni...i would say the biggest hoax is development....but i maintain the biggest hoax is intellectualism..even taking philo has led me to this conclusion...really...what foucault said about power...and what that dutch anthropolgist said about power-distance...i can ask a dahi barha wala today and maybe in essence he would say the same thing...and then if i was smart, i would recognize the idea...make some innovations i see there and then because i have the access and the means to get my name out there i would make it big and take the credit for somtehing an 'illeterate' person passed off as general observation...or i could indulge in a conversation with my grandfather on the issue..i could also ask my grandmother...but she would probably tell me not to worry about such stuff since the 'girls' in our society dont worry about these things...they obey their family traditions and study only till they get a good proposal and spend the rest of their lives becoming wierded out service doers...oh blah dont worry im not a feminist...but yea thats what she would say....do i stop loving her? no...

anyway coming back to foucault....well im not saying they were big dimbulbs lightened up by an accident...i admire these people..ofcourse i do..socrates, plato and oh hobbes:D....but whos to say that there arent smarter people out there....who maybe you consider mad...who youmaybe saw once cleaning cars at some 'dhaba' and thought to yourslef 'tsk tsk'....reallly doesnt it occur to you ever what goes on in peoples head?..

try it sometime at a red traffic signal...look around...imagine what the uncle sitting in the car next to you might be thinking...imagine what the cycle wala has on his 'list' of to do things today....really its intriguing...but dont stare too hard though....you know how ppl love to stare back in our country:) and TAHT is just sad....:P

khair...there are smaller hoaxes too...like metrosexuality...like feminism....like post modernism...

but i wasnt talking about that..ive gone off-topic....thats what i do all the time..and probably thats the reason why im so messed up in the head...i mean i envy people who can work with clockwork schedules...who can work with uninterupted concentration...i would never be able to do it...i would go crazy...but i still go crazy...when my life spins out of control cause i didnt do any planning....i thought 'going with the flow' is a good philosophy...works for everyone...but then how does one settle in peace with not taking any risks and going with the flow...but i guess im being warned that im taking too many risks these days!....

see what i mean about going off topic?

anyway...so yea...i get scared about putting up stuff here...cause well..people judge you....yea they say they wont..but they do....

take the sentence i just put up about feminism just now....yea i know people are now going to formulate a twisted opinion about how i dont stand for womens rights n blah even though i recognize that women in the 'east' are subjugated....or others will say that im only in denial...that im actually a hard core feminist who has to realize her 'ideology' yet...

now that is just sad actually....my question is why do u need to put up a label here...i used to love the word ideology till recently...it represented passion for me....but that the problem with nice words...people ruin the charm for u..they over use and over hype it and voila...
i may have a twisted ideology that doesnt fit in feminism...but ill still say i hate chauvinism...why would u need to classify me?

and now...people will think im this cynical wierdo who wants ppl to mind their own buiness...no thats not true..actaully thats not true for almost everyone ive seen..yes u pretend to live within this circle of ur own where you define ur likes, ur dislikes...ur strengths and your weaknesses...and you pretend to be so safe within this circle that you say you dont need praise...acclaim...support from others...or just plain attention even...but you do need attention...deep inside we are all craving for doing something that makes ppl realize what gems of a person we are...do i sound evil?

well i know its sad to put urself up as an attention seeking ass, but to a large or minor extent..thats what we all are...face it.

ill tell u a little experiment....have you seen people sit alone and have their lunch sometime...just observe how hard they try to pretend that they are very confident, very comfortable eating alone...its apparent all over the face...really its probably there on my face too cause im not a divine creature devoid of vain-ness or vulnerability....but well, im just telling you...its there....because in actuality the person is trying hard to ignore his own feelings of being extremely aware of himself...having the feeling that people are watching him..his every move...the way he chews....the way hes sitting....

its not really comfortable for us to be sitting without company....and those who are constantly seen alone arent alone cause they wnat to or cause no one really wants to be with them...they are like that because maybe they want company to a smaller extent than others...

see what i mean.....if u have read uptill here...you might be thinking what the crap has this woman blabbered about?

well the truth is...i dont know.. and i dont expect you to have read it...but i know ull do...
and i know ill feel...something...after i know that u read it....guilt? sadness? happiness?

i dont really know...or maybe i do know know and ill pretend indifference. Human beings have been blessed with alot of things...out of which one of the greatest is the ability to pretend indifference...
another one is being vague about something:)......

Something is changing inside you....and dont you know?
_yea i still sometimes go for superficial philosophies of axl rose

(P.S: This post is actually a live up to the statement: flushing your brains out...)

*To each his own*

something i wrote...The On-Campus tirade:

2006-02-25T16:06:00.000+05:00

The tales from the beyond the blue yonder…..’

“So what do you do?”
…“I study in LUMS.”…
“Oh…” *long pause* “So what’s it like?
…“It’s….ok” *slowly nods head*…
*awkward silence follows*

This random piece of conversation at a dinner lately got me thinking. What exactly is it like being a luminite? I’ve been a part of this university for more than two years now. It’s…different…

Life is strange in university. Yes. I have slowly been ingrained with this concept over the past two years since I left the ‘haven’ of school and joined, in a quest to learn and discover new truths (?), an institution of higher formal education. True, that it has led to new discoveries. It has led to exploration of ones own self and the world around. It has made us grow. But new truths? No, more like rude awakenings.

LUMS has not only been just about gaining ‘higher formal education’. It is also not entirely been about what majors we do or what courses we take. It has also not been about the symmetrical-ness of the academic block…the redness of the bricks everywhere and the idleness of sitting at the PDC.

Well maybe a lot of it is about that. I mean what would life at LUMS be without random rants about the PDC food, the idleness and the timelessly idiotic fun at the khokha, the cramming for exams in the superstore, the nighttime snacks from the khokha and the totally senseless whining and people-watching out on the road a.k.a the PatriJ.

But a lot more of it has been about introspection. A little more of it has about encountering a whole new 'species' of human kind (I say humankind since we wouldn’t want to evoke feminists by saying mankind!). People with their nuts and bolts. People with their eccentricities and sometimes… (emphasis on sometimes) people with all their niceness. It has been a magical learning experience; outside of what we were actually supposed to learn. (Aren’t we all excited?J).

With this label of ‘higher formal education’ now imprinted on me however, I have realized that I can accomplish so many tasks and get away with them which I could perhaps not do, (or didn’t have the idleness to consider) in the past. Now I can use big words (like categorical imperative, eurocentricism, procrastination and of course the usual ‘corporate speak’) to impress my younger acquaintances that are still in school. So yes, LUMS has also been about learning a lot of new ‘isms’.

And learning these ‘isms’ has effectively armed me with a powerful weapon. I feel as powerful as a gandasa wielding Sultan Rahi now. By charming my younger relatives/friends/siblings of friends and the likes with big words that ‘sound smart’ I have put myself up as a heroic creature that fell from the skies into a world that they have only seen in the movies.

And then there has been a reinforcement of the ‘Americanized’ version of the typical university student. My acquaintances will now conjure up an image of the university student as an individual who has no uniforms to worry about, has the choice to answer back to teachers (inconceivably immoral right?), studies tough subjects never heard of (the emphasis on the word ‘tough’ here is actually a pun), has ‘fun’ parties every other day with no restrictions whatsoever from his parents or teachers since he/she is now considered to be a ‘responsible adult’ and also has a capacity and the permission (*gasp*) to stay up at least three nights in a row.

I mean to say that I would proceed to tell these poor innocent minds tales of what a boring, tiresome day I had at university: that I had classes that went till 9pm at night, that my lunchtime in the ‘café’ was interrupted by countless guitar playing of forlorn souls trying to demonstrate their talents (or the lack thereof); and these people of whom I spoke of earlier would not ponder over my agonized face but would rather exclaim with rather awestruck eye-popping expressions something like ‘Wow! You have classes that go on so late?? So cool!!’ and I would then resort to holding my head in my hands in despair…and choosing to ignore the irrelevance of the preceding remark.

Many similar events will then follow when your relatives, your cousins and your old friends will brand you as the ‘busy bee’ and complain that you no longer have time for them or anything for that matter. Due to university you would have to miss weddings, birthdays and the auspicious occasion of your paternal aunt buying a new microwave…resulting in unabashed disapproval from your entire extended family.

Another aspect that will put you higher up on the scale of family outburst is the question of your gender. Since ‘boys will always be boys’ (spoken with a man-hating somewhat envious teeth-grinding voice) and can get away with almost anything, girls that even plainly commit to the idiosyncrasies of university studies and try to get ‘out there’ with the guys doing something simple as field research will get considerable amounts of eyebrow-raising from certain ‘aunties’ who might also contemplate displeasure over the point that you have been pulled away from learning the great ‘art of domesticity’ (*tsk tsk* so against the eastern lifestyle!). Did I mention these aunties are such a pain?

But that’s just one slant of the prism. I firmly believe that university also arms you with the tools to tackle the issues mentioned above. How you ask? Well, simply put, as I already mentioned, because of the vast array of people you come across while in university…, you learn to accept a lot of people for their own eccentricities. I for one know that I have become more tolerant of weirdness, in people and conduct. ‘To each his own’ has become now one of the most important philosophies in life.

You learn to keep up appearances and if you’re lucky you will master the art of ‘fake-smiling’ which by the way I must mention, is VERY useful in front of those aunties I mentioned earlier! Fake smiling is a skill that comes very handy at university. It might help you in getting the ‘right’ people on your side, if you know what I mean. It also might help you get a discount at lunch or put everything you buy in a credited account that you never repay until you graduate. It might fool the people you hate (like that tall brunette in sociology class that you just can’t stand….or that guy with long hair who plays really bad guitar and puts too much gel on his hair thinking he’s really cool) into thinking that you’re actually nice to them so they stay out of your hair. Most significantly though, it could help you persuade the instructor to postpone an exam and to extend the deadline on an assignment. But I guess by the end of it…it could also earn you the reputation of being the dimwit who smiles a lot for no reason!

Since I have just spoken of deadlines, let me elaborate little on this evil associated with university studies. But before I start speaking of deadlines…there is another concept that needs a little deliberation: ‘Procrastination’. Now, five years earlier I had not even heard this word. Even later since I learned the meaning, it was merely a word I word I could use to sound smart and nothing else. That was until I came to college. At college ‘procrastination’ is not merely a word, it’s a lifestyle!

Let’s for starters define the word: Procrastination has been defined as "Unnecessarily putting off tasks now despite the risk of negative effects later."…Aaah yes, see what a forsaken evil it is. This definition is taken out of a faculty member’s advisory book to his students...hence the negative undertones…if you were reading a students diary though, procrastination would be defined as an attitude that allows one to be adamant about not doing academic course work without feeling any guilt! This lack of guilt is directly related to thus the ignorance of the phenomenon explained as ‘deadlines’ above. They are there to make you work….but in actuality they just eventually seem to be wretched undefeated monsters that just won’t quit….

The fact that deadlines and procrastination have both become over-hyped about words…should have been clear by now! It should also now give you an idea of why deadlines just tick me off…

On the lighter side, or perhaps on the somewhat unfortunate side, LUMS has had an excessive amount of stress on ‘individuality’. This is why most people don’t want to or consciously learn to live outside of midterms, papers, quizzes, exams and ‘themselves’. We hardly learn to live outside of how to do a good presentation, how to get marks above the mean, how to get a job. And those few who do, make their grades suffer. What ever happened to living with a selfless cause?

I will reiterate, university…is a strange…however, mysterious phenomenon. And in this mysterious-ness is hidden a certain delight too. At the end of the day it perhaps doesn’t matter entirely how much we learn but how much we keep out of these years at university because truly it makes us what we are.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a term paper to finish...*sheepish smile

Me gustas cuando callas...

2005-10-15T07:21:00.000+05:00

Thank you babar for making me read this!
:) it is just...WOW!

Pablo Neruda - I Like For You To Be Still

I like for you to be still
It is as though you are absent
And you hear me from far away
And my voice does not touch you
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
And it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth
As all things are filled with my soul
You emerge from the things
Filled with my soul
You are like my soul
A butterfly of dream
And you are like the word: Melancholy

I like for you to be still
And you seem far away
It sounds as though you are lamenting
A butterfly cooing like a dove
And you hear me from far away
And my voice does not reach you
Let me come to be still in your silence
And let me talk to you with your silence
That is bright as a lamp
Simple, as a ring
You are like the night
With its stillness and constellations
Your silence is that of a star
As remote and candid

I like for you to be still
It is as though you are absent
Distant and full of sorrow
So you would've died
One word then,
One smile is enough
And I'm happy;
Happy that it's not true.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so numb...

2005-10-11T03:05:00.000+05:00

three days have gone by...almost 40,000 people...

it's so overwhelming...Life has changed for all of us...up north a generation wiped out...

down here...we can't even begin to express our grief..I just hope we can do our bit..and in time!

the kids..the half visible limbs...the wailing mothers...the bewildered survivors...i don't know what is worse....watching them in pain..or being helpless about it..

God...stay with us and help us and them survive the remains...

The Fragility of life....

2005-10-08T21:13:00.000+05:00

So much can change in so little time....what power do we humans have in front of God's force?
I really don't know what to say.....for perhaps the first time I'm so overwhelmed that I can't conjure up a sentence that would make some sense.

Sleeping on the floor always meant I'd fall a little to the left or a little to the right while I was sleeping now and then:/ ...so initially I thought maybe it was a dream or my sleep-deprivation that was making me tremble so...but after a while...when it wouldn't stop...I woke up with a jolt myself realizing it was an earthquake...

Many a times a quake has occurred while I'm half asleep and without realizing much and taking God's signs more or less for granted, have fallen back to sleep only to announce in the morning "did you feel that?"

and that was that...

but today was different....I felt as if it wouldn't stop...reports now show that it lasted around SIX minutes or so...even more in affected areas of kashmir...

I panicked and didn't know what to do...the first thing that came to my mind was my parents..without remebering the many times I'd disagreed with them..something like a pre-programmed message inside my brain, I somehow felt that they would make the panic go away like they had always done when I was a child...I'd never thought like this before...
Amidst the shaking and the rattling of the windows and my pc...I got up and staggered to my parents room..I'd seldom done that before either...

But by the time I got to the room..the shakes subsided...I felt relived and confused at the same time...I think I still didnt quite understand what had happened or how I'd taken those few steps...In my dazed state...I fell aslp again...right there in my parents room!

What woke me up...a while later was a msg from my friend from the hostel..."u ok? hows everyone in your family?"I realize the earthquake was bigger then I thought it was..

Switching on the tv...which is always fixed to Geo, since its the last thing my dad watches at night...I realize the horror...Whenever we travelled to islamabad...we used to stay in Park towers..we could see Margalla towers from our window...today thinking of the people and the place and telling myself that the images I saw on tv were all very real..I felt increasingly uncomfortable...

I suddenly realized all my islamabad friends live in apartment buildings too...what followed was a series of calls and sms-es to everyone. Thank God everyone was fine. My friend tells me about her shaken up 8 year old sister...about how they ran from the 4th floor in their nightsuits and about how they are now moving to another relatives single storey house in islamabad.

I forgot all about my assignnments and my midterm exam and spent the day switching channels...Geo, CNN, Ary, Aaj, Sky news and back again...what struck a nerve was that Fox news issued NO report of the quake until after 4 pm. And they say i's NOT over yet....after shocks are expected to contiune for the next 48 hours...

I can't still get myself to believe the extent of the disaster...my heart goes out to the people up in azad kashmir. I've been to that place...Muzaffarabad, Mansehra, Abbotabad...I can't imagine the beauty being taken over by rubble and the sadness of loss of life.'

With somewhat guilt...I Thank God that my family is safe...that both my brothers are safe..and that my brothers family (sis in law and niece) were pretty much unaffected by the quake in jhelum...

This month of Ramadan is a month of blessings...what time God would choose to reming His beings of a little humility...October was supposed to be linked to scary things ..I guess I''l always remember now that it has more to it than just halloween...

Let's say a little prayer for all those who lost their lives, their loved ones...or anything in this tragic incident...

...........

2005-09-25T20:46:00.000+05:00

i have been back to my blog after exactly a month....not that i didnt know what to write....i know EXACTLY what i shd write....but thr are reasons why i cudnt do so....

1) its too wierd and personal.....owing to the fact that its too emotional as well....
2)well i never got around to do it...even now as i sit here, i have this insdie voice telling me i shd be doing something else...like research..assignments..and other similiar blah...but khair im still here:D

i have resorted to hear old hindi songs again recently...and this one song that ive always loved....its really sad...but well...thats exactly the point!

'Youn hasratoon ke daag mohabbat main dho liye....

khud dil se dil ki baat kahi..or roh diye...
Yun hasratoon ke daag....

Ghar se chalay they hum tou khushi ki talaash main...
khushi ki talaash main...
gham rah main kharey they wohi saath ho liye...

khud dil se dil ki baat kahi or roh diye...
yun hasratoon ke daag....

Murjha chuka hai phir bhi yeh dil phool hi tou hai..
haan phool hi tou hai..
ab aap ki khushi se kantoon main ho liye...

khud dil se dil ki baat kahi..
or roh diye...
yun hasratton ke daag....

*sigh*

2005-08-25T22:27:00.000+05:00

i dont know and i dont care:P

(p.s: ill come back later)

You ask me why?

2005-07-17T03:19:00.000+05:00

can u feel it?

You ask me why?

You ask me why i seem in a trance,
You ask me why i fall softly...

You ask me why my eyes dance...
You ask me why my cheeks color...
You ask me why i smile feebly...
You ask me why my knees go weak...
You ask me what drives by me,

You ask me why i dont listen anymore,
why i'm left speechless,
You ask me why i have this air,
why i seem so at peace,

You ask why i seem so dazed,
You ask me why i fell in love...

its been a while....

2005-07-17T00:12:00.000+05:00

there's an amazing quote i recently read by will durrant:

forget mistakes, forget failures, forget everything except what you have to do right now..and do it!

man if only something would work on a procrastinator like me...life would be soo peachy keen!!!

:D

pppl have been complaining that i have been off blogging recently...well i dunno, i'd been going through a certain blogger's block:P watever tht is..but fr ppl who noticed...for watever reason...ahhh im glad u care:D

you know they say a poet needs the pain to write well?

i am a firm believer in that! you cant write unless u feel...and u can't feel unless u think...and u can't think if u dont give it the time...all this technology...where it brings advancement..it has taken away from us the time to think!

*sigh*

happy birthday dear bro...

2005-07-13T22:42:00.000+05:00

my brothers;

i lurrrrrrve em...

perhaps the only 2 men i can confess my love openly to and not be sorry afterwards!:p

there's something very beautiful abt a brother- sister relationship...through the years of fighting, the years of "MOM he's taking away my toys...not letting me slp"...and the years of complaining and whining...forms a bond....so strong that u cant explain it!

its a bond that forms over the snatching , the shouting and the outright sobs following later.

You grow....u see the world...within u grows a sense, a realization of the importance of a person... who may not be able to change anything in ur imperfect world....but his presence..his unending taunts...his unconditional love...tells u the significance of just BEING there.

Its the relationship that is built on the silence that fills the room when u sit n watch tv with ur brother. Its the connection that forms as u squabble over the color of the latest sweater that ur brother got...its the hullabaloo that breaks over the last piece of frech fries n chicken..its the endless list of curses that follow when u wake up ur brother fr an errand of urs...its the feeling as u watch ur brother slp peacefull after a long day...

its wierd how you learn to love...and u cant explain it.

here's to all those years bro through which ive hated you...wanted to throw ur smelly shoes out..despised the way you do packing and throw around stuff...admired the calm u have when i am annoying...loved u for always being there..loved u more for caring to listen to my sobs n hugging me thru...and for all those times ive silently wept when i missed u...

thank you so much for all those times you listened...
thank u for being you!

_your annoying little sister...

Many moons

2005-06-29T19:37:00.000+05:00

This is a beautiful sweet little story by James Thurber...
(tell me what you think...)

Once upon a time, in a kingdom by the sea, there lived a little princess named Lenore. She was ten years old, going on eleven. One day Lenore fell ill of a surfeit of raspberry tarts and took to her bed. The Royal Physician came to see her and took her temperature and felt her pulse and made her stick out her tongue. The Royal Physician was worried. He sent for the king, Lenore's father, and the king came to see her.

"I will get you anything your heart desires," the king said. "Is there anything your heart desires?"

"Yes," said the princess. "I want the moon, if I can have the moon, I will be well again."

Now the king had a great many wise men who always got for him anything he wanted so he told his daughter that she could have the moon. Then he went to the throne room and pulled a bell cord, three long pulls and a short pull, and presently the Lord High Chamberlain came into the room.
The Lord High Chamberlain was a large, fat man who wore thick glasses which made his eyes seem twice as big as they really were. This made the Lord High Chamberlain seem twice as wise as he really was.
"I want the moon," said the king. "Princess Lenore wants the moon. If she can have the moon, she will get well again."
"The moon?" exclaimed the Lord High Chamberlain, his eyes widening. This made him look four times as wise as he really was.
"Yes, the moon," said the king. "M-o-o-n, moon. Get it tonight, tomorrow at the latest."

The Lord High Chamberlain wiped his forehead with a handkerchief and then blew his nose loudly. "I have got a great many things for you in my time, your majesty," he said. "It just happens that I have with me a list of the things I have got for you in my time." He pulled a long scroll of parchment out of his pocket. "Let me see, now." he glanced at the list, frowning. "I have got ivory, apes, and peacocks, rubies, opals, and emeralds, black orchids, pink elephants, and blue poodles, gold bugs, scarabs, and flies in amber,hummingbirds' tongues, angels' feathers, and unicorns' horns, giants, midgets, and mermaids, frankincense, ambergris, and myrrh, troubadors, minstrels, and dancing women,a pound of butter, two dozen eggs, and a sack of sugar - sorry, my wife wrote that in there."
"I don't remember any blue poodles," said the king.
"It says blue poodles right here on the list, and they are checked off with a little check mark," said the Lord High Chamberlain. "so there must have been blue poodles. You just forgot."
"Never mind the poodles," said the king. "What I want now is the moon."
"I have sent as far Samarkand and Araby and Zanzibar to get things for you, your majesty," said the Lord High Chamberlain. "But the moon is out of the question. It is 35,000 miles away and it is bigger than the room the princess lies in. Furthermore, it is made of molten copper. I cannot get the moon for you. Blue poodles, yes; the moon, no."

The king flew into a rage and told the Lord High Chamberlain to leave the room and to send the Royal Wizard to the throne room.

The Royal Wizard was a little, thin man with a long face. He wore a high red peaked hat coverted with silver stars, and a long blue robe covered with golden owls. His face grew very pale when the king told him that he wanted the moon for his little daughter, and that he expected the Royal Wizard to get it.
"I have worked a great deal of magic for you in my time, your majesty," said the Royal Wizard.
"As a matter of fact, I just happen to have in my pocket a list of the wizardries I have performed for you." He drew a paper from a deep pocket of his robe. "It begins: `Dear Royal Wizard: I am returning herewith the so-called philosopher's stone which you claimed-' No, that isn't it." The royal wizard brought a long scroll of parchment from another pocket of his robe.

"Here it is," he said. "Now, let's see. I have squeezed blood out of turnips for you, and turnips out of blood. I have produced rabbits out of silk hats, and silk hats out of rabbits. I have conjured up flowers, tambourines and doves. I have brought you divining rods, magic wands, and crystal spheres in which to behold the future. I have compounded philtres, unguents, and potions, to cure heartbreak, surfeit, and ringing in the ears. I have made you my own special mixture of wolfbane, nightshade, and eagles' tears, to ward off witches, demons, and things that go bump in the night. I have given you seven league boots, the golden touch, and a cloak of invisibility-"
"It didn't work," said the king. "The cloak of invisibility didn't work."
"Yes it did," said the Royal Wizard.
"No, it didn't," said the king. "I kept bumping into things, the same as ever."
"The cloak of invisibility is supposed to make you invisible," said the Royal Wizard. "It is not supposed to keep you from bumping into things."
"All I know is, I kept bumping into things," said the king.

The Royal Wizard looked at his list again. "I got you," he said, "horns from elfland, sand from the sandman, and gold from the rainbow. Also a spool of thread, a paper of needles, and a lump of beeswax - sorry, those are things my wife wrote down for me to get her."
"What I want you to do now," said the king, "is to get me the moon. Princess Lenore wants the moon, and when she gets it, she will be well again."

"Nobody can get the moon," said the Royal Wizard. "It is 150,000 miles away, and it is made of green cheese, and it is twice as big as the palace."

The king flew into another rage and sent the Royal Wizard back to his cave. Then he rang a gong and summonded the Royal Mathematician.

The Royal Mathematician was a bald-headed, nearsighted man, with a skullcap on his head and a pencil behind each ear. He wore a black suit with white numbers on it.
"I don't want to hear a long list of all the things you have figured out for me since 1907," the king said to him. "I want you to figure out how to get the moon for princess Lenore. When she gets the moon, she will be well again."
"I am glad you mentioned all the things I have figured out for you since 1907," said the Royal Mathematician. "It so happens I have a list of them with me."

He pulled a long scroll of parchment out of a pocket and looked at it. "I have figured out for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma, night and day, and A and Z. I have computed how far is up, how long it takes to get to away, and what becomes of gone. I have discovered the length of the sea serpent, the price of the priceless, and the square of the hippopotamus. I know where you are when you are at sixes and sevens, how much is you have to have to make an are, and how many birds you can catch with the salt in the ocean- 187,796,132, if it would interest you to know."
"There aren't that many birds," said the king.
"I didn't say there were," said the Royal Mathematician. "I said if there were."
"I don't want to hear about seven hundred million imaginary birds," said the king. "I want you to get the moon for princess Lenore."
"The moon is 300,000 miles away," said the Royal Mathematician. "It is round and flat like a coin, only it is made of asbestos, and it is half the size of this kingdom. Furthermore, it is pasted on the sky. Nobody can get the moon."

The king flew into still another rage and sent the Royal Mathematician away. Then he rang for the court jester. The jester came bounding into the throne room in his motley and his cap and bells, and sat at the foot of the throne.

"What can I do for you, your majesty?" asked the court jester.
"Nobody can do anything for me," said the king mournfully. "Princess Lenore wants the moon, and she cannot be well till she gets it, but nobody can get it for her. Every time I ask anybody for the moon, it gets larger and farther away. There is nothing you can do for me except play on your lute. Something sad."

"How big do they say it is," asked the court jester, "and how far away?"

"The Lord High Chamberlain says it is 35,000 miles away, and bigger than princess Lenore's room," said the king. "The Royal Wizard says it is 150,000 miles away, and twice as big as this palace. The Royal Mathematician says it is 300,000 miles away and half the size of this kingdom."

The court jester strummed on his lute for a little while. "They are all wise men," he said, "and so they must all be right. If they are all right, then the moon must be just as large and as far away as each person thinks it is. The thing to do is find out how big princess Lenore thinks it is, and how far away."

"I never thought of that," said the king.

"I will go to her, your majesty," said the court jester. And he crept softly into the little girl's room.

Princess Lenore was awake, and she was glad to see the court jester, but her face was very pale and her voice very weak.

"Have you brought the moon to me?" she asked.

"Not yet," said the court jester, "but I will get it for you right away. How big do you think it is?"

"It is a little smaller than my thumbnail," she said, "for when I hold my thumbnail up at the moon, it covers it."

"And how far away is it?" asked the court jester.

"It is not as high as the big tree outside my window," said the princess, "for sometimes it gets caught in the top branches."

"It will be very easy to get the moon for you," said the court jester. "I will climb the tree tonight when it gets caught in the top branches and bring it to you."

Then he thought of something else. "What is the moon made of, princess?" he asked.

"Oh, " she said, "it's made of gold, of course, silly."

The court jester left princess Lenore's room and went to see the Royal Goldsmith he had the Royal Goldsmith make a tiny round oon just a little smaller than the thumbnail of princess Lenore. Then he had him string it on a golden chain so the princess could wear it around her neck.

"What is this thing I have made?" asked the Royal Goldsmith when he was finished with it.

"You have made the moon," said the court jester. "that is the moon."

"But the moon," said the Royal Goldsmith, "is 500,000 miles away and is made of bronze and is round like a marble."

"That's what you think," said the court jester as he went away with the moon.

The court jester took the moon to princess Lenore, and she was overjoyed. The next day she was well again and could get up and go out in the gardens to play.

But the king's worries were not yet over. He knew that the moon would shine in the sky again that night, and he did not want the princess Lenore to see it. If she did, she would know that the moon she wore on a chain around her neck was not the real moon.

So the king sent for the lord high chamberlain and said, "we must keep princess Lenore from seeing the moon when it shines in the sky tonight. Think of something."The Lord High chamberlain tapped his forehead with his fingers thoughtfully and said, "I know just the thing. We can make some dark glasses for the princess lenore. We can make them so dark that she will not be able to see the moon when it shines in the sky."

This made the king very angry, and he shook his head from side to side. "If she wore dark glasses, she would bump into things," he said, "and then she would be ill again." So he sent the Lord High Chamberlain away and called the Royal Wizard.

"We must hide the moon," said the king, "so princess Lenore will not see it when it shines in the sky tonight. How are we going to do that?"

The Royal Wizard stood on his hands and then he stood on his head and then he stood on his feet again. "I know what we can do," he said. "We can stretch some black velvet curtains on poles. The curtains will cover all the palace gardens like a circus tent, and the princess lenore will not be able to see through them, so she will not see the moon in the sky."

The king was so angry at this that he waved his arms around. "Black velvet curtains would keep out the air," he said. "Princess Lenore would not be able to breathe, and she would be ill again." So he sent the Royal Wizard away and summoned the Royal Mathematicain.

"We must do something," said the king, "so princess Lenore will not see the moon when it shines in the sky tonight. If you know so much, figure out a way to do that."

The Royal Mathematician walked around in a circle, and then he walked around in a square, and then he stood still. "I have it!" he said. "We can set off fireworks in the gardens every night. We will make a lot of silver fountains and gold cascades, and when they go off, they will fill the sky with so many sparks that it will be as light as day and princess Lenore will not be able to see the moon."

The king flew into such a rage that he began jumping up and down. "Fireworks would keep princess Lenore awake," he said. "She would not get any sleep at all and she would be ill again." So the king sent the Royal Mathematician away.

When he looked up again, it was dark outside and he saw the bright rim of the moon just peeping over the horizon. He jumped up in a great fright and rang for the court jester. The court jester came bounding into the room and sat down at the foot of the throne.

"What can I do for you, your majesty?" he asked.

"Nobody can do anything for me," said the king, mournfully. "the moon is coming up again. It will shine into princess Lenore's bedroom, and she will know it is still in the sky and that she does not wear it on a golden chain around her neck. Play me something on your lute, something very sad, for when the princess sees the moon, she will be ill again."

The court jester strummed on his lute. "What do your wise men say?" he asked.

"They can think of no way to hide the moon that will not make princess Lenore ill," said the king.

The court jester played another song, very softly. "Your wise men know everything," he said, "and if they cannot hide the moon, then it cannot be hidden."

The king put his head in his hands again and sighed. Suddenly he jumped from his throne and pointed to the windows. "Look!" he cried. "The moon is already shining in the princess Lenore's bedroom. Who can explain how the moon can be shining in the sky when it is hanging on a golden chain around her neck?"

The court jester stopped playing on his lute. "Who could explain how to get the moon when your wise men said it was too large and too far away? It was princess Lenore. Therefore princess Lenore is wiser than your wise men and knows more about the moon than they do. So I will ask her." And before the king could stop him, the court jester slipped quietly out of the throne room and up the wide marble staircase to princess Lenore's bedroom.

The princess was lying in bed, but she was wide awake and she was looking out the window at the moon shining in the sky. Shining in her had was the moon the court jester had got for her.

He looked very sad, and there seemed to be tears in his eyes.

"Tell me, princess lenore," he said mournfully, "how can the moon be shining in the sky when it is hanging on a golden chain around your neck?"

The princess looked at him and laughed. "that is easy, silly, " she said. "when I lose a tooth, a new one grows in its place, doesn't it?"

"Of course," said the court jester.

happy birthday to me!!!

2005-06-19T09:15:00.000+05:00

ahh yes...i know this post shall be a sad one..sad as in not boo hoo sad..sad as in idle n pathetic sad..

even after so maany wishes that i got today..i HAVE to..just HAVE to..wish myself:D

i dunno..its this thing i do...yea i know..im wierd!

20 years ive lived...and ive learned..at least i'd like to think so..:D
ppl have come and ppl have faded away...but they still remain...

thank u everyone who wished...it means alot...

at this moment thou...id want to write a small ode to my family:
they have been thru the time that i wasnt sure i'd survive myself!....thank u mom...for all those time u hugged me to slp...thanku dad fr ur silent stares of comfort...love u alot...

annnnnnnd ive run out of things to say!!!

i wonder where i go from here..i hate this uncertainity...the truth is out there they say..but where???

the search for something apart from the shadows on the wall...THAT has become my sole purpose in life..but im scared, what is it that i will see beyond the shawdows...beyond the fire?

what is it? will it matter? will it be worthy?

yes im scared....

limerickish stuff

2005-05-29T12:03:00.000+05:00

An optimist fell down twelve stories..

and at each window bar..

He yelled to his friends who were frightened below...

Well,

I'm alright so far!!

(p.s: if u didnt get it...dont bother!)

Affirmation

2005-05-29T05:37:00.000+05:00

been listening to and contemplating on this, too often these days...
(the bold part is my preference alone)

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

...
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

_savage garden

2005-05-29T05:36:00.000+05:00

before sunset...this pic i took six months ago from a moving car!...sitting idly on the way back frm nathiagali...ahhhh it came out lovely!! didnt think it wud even!!but still:)

must i name everything:P

2005-05-27T05:27:00.000+05:00

scenario one:

my exams just finished..cant really say how i did...i get goose bumps thinking abt tht....

summer is starting out to be loong n boring...maybe tomorow wen i leave this dreary place....ia..to one tht has no net..hence, no orkut, no procrastination tools..only a good book..my bestest pals..smsing and me bugging my niece!!! ill be happier!
:)

scenario 2:

ive been feeling wierd lately..too many things on my mind...want to do sooooooooooo much...but am confused..
like today i went out for dinner..with my parents..i love these little 3 on 3 outings of ours...mom n dad are wonderful ppl..:)

so i stood there, getting nicely dressed after like two weeks of ugly mania..exams are nasty tht way....glasses, ALMOST ironed clothes, tight pony tail of hurriedly combed hair, huge dark circlesaround the eyes...sigh...told u na its ugly!

khair back to dressing up...so im there..as i said, ive been too pre-occupied lately..

...so i took out my contact lenses from their case...

lost in my thoughts tried to soak(?) them in talcum powder instead of the lens solution:/
told u id been preoccupied!!!

scenario 3:

my 8 yr old cuzn called me aaj. His summer vacations just started...he wanted me to cum over and play monopoly with him!!
kids are sooo cute:)

scenario 4:

something funny happened to me at the end of my anthropology exam.

there i was sitting in a quiet corner of the room...A13..i had a nice seat...next to the back door..the one we always use to sneak into class after we are late...but tht day it served as a real peaceful spot...little or no distraction:P

as suspected, the instructor being obsessed with the mukhtar mai gangrape case...gave us a question on that....."mukhtar mai, neomarxism and oppression of women" wierd no!! but it was more or less ALL i actually came to learn from the course, so its good:)
and oh i learned alot abt good clothes too!;) the instructor had a GREAT dressing sense!

ehehhe, nehow...moving on...so paper done, im gathering my things...
along comes this guy:

Guy: "kaisa howa?"
me: "theek tha.."
me: "tumhara?"
guy: " haan it was ok..but bara limited question tha nahin....?"
me: "yea kinda"
guy: "khair its over! u taking summers?"
me: " yea...u?"

......neway...this goes on for ten minutes...conv. abt life in general...
then a bit of takecare's and see you's and we leave.
..............................
10 minutes later...walking down tht octagonal acamdemic block...i see another girl...from the anthro class too...
nearly the same conversation as above follows...
hows was ur paper bla blah....
sweet lil bandi..ive seen her around..

(ps theres a point....see below:P)
i swear, 3 mnths..these ppl have been hello hi-ing with me, asking me abt readings...narrating me readings before quizzes n wat not..

i promised i wud find out..
but i never knew Either of their names:) its embarrasing really...

its wierd...how u get acquainted talk tht......

scenario 5:

im reading again...ahhh it feels good:D
though i must be getting ollllddd..my eyes tire out easily now..
*sigh*

im gonna see mav soon..fiza isnt there in pindi thou:P stupid git!

and she will find out the ONE book ive been looking for for a long time now also..ahhh...
i love that woman!

also that reminds me...
.. new season of sheep!!!
..angry scientist renamed.."scientist with minor isses":D
and its not a sheep powered ray gun anymore...
its a super narrator powered gun..
and sheep can speak..other then just bahhhh!!

ahhhh!*the excitement*:D

scenario 6:

3 am at night....im getting ready to hit the sack and wondering wat to do tomorow..
*RRRRRRRRRRR*
something vibrates madly under my pillow..me cellular phns..these things are evil!...its a cal from a long forgotten friend..who NEVER calls me let alone say hi occasionally:p

i pick up:
me: hello?!
she: hi,yar im sorry fr calling so late hope u dont mind....its been long n i wanted to talk..
me: sure...no problem...so watsup?
she: yar im kinda confused...i need advice....
.......
45 mins later..we are talking abt how her love life is all messed up and shes not helping herself by being a part of it :P
*sigh..the ranting keeps on going..
i nod and put in an "ahan" here n there....20 mins later i beg leave...
...she thanks me...
wierd... i didnt do ANYTHING...now IM confused!:)

people are wonderful with all their oddities and eccentricities..if only u didnt end up shrinking em so often...:)

scenario7:

i gotta go pack..

arrgh theres too much to do..
i hate procrastination!

*leaves*

hurt

2005-05-25T21:00:00.000+05:00

old song..new relevance:

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chairfull of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear

you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

-Johnny cash

2005-05-25T06:46:00.000+05:00

..i have alot to say...
just very little time....

maybe tomorow...

yes thats a definite...maybe!

2005-05-21T12:27:00.000+05:00

ussay dhoondoon kahan....
ussay paaonn kahan??

dhoondoon kahan....

Breathing......

2005-05-20T06:07:00.000+05:00

And I....
am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing

Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth
and I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head

God, which one's you?

Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
.....

------------------------------------

_lifehouse

u dont know wats its like....random thoughts

2005-05-20T00:17:00.000+05:00

....im not even in the mood to call this ranting anymore....
(ps: u mite not like reading this post toom uch..its more on a personal note so.....dont make wierd faces after ure done:p)

u knw it is so true that every man has this tendency to think that his world, his problems are like the toughest, strangling and most paining of em all....
most of us are just ungrateful wierdos....

yes, i know im Not completely excluding myself....i do it too..but from the title of this blog..i dont mean like im this perturbed..oppressed lil soul...
theres more to the title phrase then than tht...and i really dont think i can elaborate on it..
cuz i dont think i want to!

...the wind has been blowing in my face today...
its strange how it keeps trying to blow me away with it...im walking against the direction of the wind itself...thats even stranger...i always thought id been going with it...but then suddenly u realize how strong ure going against it....
which way is better though...theres no "easy way" i know...
but i keep wondering wats it like to walk with the wind smtime...

alot of souls seem happier that way...

i dont like this uncertainity...

and abt the title of this blog.... i know thats actually a merrier song...but well u have to sometimes look beyond the literal meaning....

im totally hooked onto this song nowadays...

There's a light A certain kind of light
That never shone on me
I want my life to lived with you
Lived with you
There's a way everybody says
To do each and every little thing
But what does it bring If I ain't got you, ain't got u ?

You don't know what it's like, baby
You don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you

but it has so many levels this song....

i do so many things that dont seem right to me...they do nothing for me...but i still do them..why?
blah....u dont know wat its like...:)
there a curse here ive been trying to move out of...
*sigh*

anyway..coming back to random thoughts..
u knw wat i hate...thinking pauses....
u know the ones while ure speaking and u go...uh, ummm, arrrggghh i hate those...
but even with those existing i did happen to give in a good presentation so thr:P

and my research paper...man....ill never forgive myself for procrastinating on tht one....*sob*
i SHDVE proof-read it..

u knw wat else i hate..justifying urself to ppl..i swear im so gonna stop doing that:P
enuf ive had it!

and wats with ppl lying to ur face??
wats with their big egos..being stupid wiseguys....pretending they are dumbasses just because they dont want u to think their life is easy? I repea, they just never count their blessings....

"ohhh mujhey tou kuch nahin aata yar..im screwed"
shut up will ya u dean lister psuedo gregarious soul! arrgh:P

and then there are those who just KNOW that they are all high and mighty and wise....they ruin their life themselves:)
u knw theres NOTHING that destroys a man more then the sense of KNOWING that he knows something...
the moment u realize you have nothing else to learn...uve given urself the worst lesson of them all...

u may read this and say what shit load of crap..
but its true i tell u....:D

MAN..
im would make a great successor to the ranting Swede....
only that i live too far out in the east:D

ahh yes..the irony of taking it all in and laughing over it....

neway...i shall return...

hudday budday to nido:)

2005-05-20T00:14:00.000+05:00

2005-05-19T01:45:00.000+05:00

Only wanted to stay a while
Only wanted to play a while
Then you taught me to fly like a bird
Baby thought I'd died and gone to heaven:)

_Bryan Adams

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HIGH

When you're close to tears remember
Some day it'll all be over
One day 'we're gonna get so high
And though it's darker than December
What's ahead is a different colour

One day 'we're gonna get so high
And at
The end of the day
We'll remember the days
We were close to the edge
And we'll wonder how we made it through
And at The end of the day
We'll remember the way
We stayed so close to till the end
We'll remember it was me and you

'Cause we are gonna be forever you and me
You'll always keep me flying high in the sky of love

One day 'we're gonna get so high
....

_Lighthouse family

figure it out urself:P

2005-05-18T15:40:00.000+05:00

....................
............
....................
............................
...................
......
.................

:P

2005-05-18T05:12:00.000+05:00

*sigh*

as usual I'm not supposed to be here...
are we ever in a place where we belong in the right time?

Procrastination shall be the reason for my slow death someday..
here i sit..with a presentation in the morning and a 15 page paper due tomorow evening...YET to be written...combined with almost no slp and the teeny tiny ugre to give it all up and go to slp..its the best of situations!!:P

but as usual once again, i hang in there...
ill write..somehow...
ill speak...somehow...
then ill curse myself over it later...and promise to do better next time..somehow

and probably ill survive...
somehow!

ask me if i care :p

2005-05-16T02:35:00.000+05:00

ladies and gentlemen...
(the not so gentle-men can just stop reading from this point onwards:P since they wont get my lame sense of humor anyway)

ahem...so i was saying....ive come here again...and this time im gonna rant and rant...and nothing else..
to hell with the world.

Yes i will go to Mcdonalds and stand in front of the toy cupborad and gawk at the happy meal toys with chidish desire.
Yes, i will watch sheep in the big city and laugh at its lameness....i mean whoever thought of a soldier named "private public"
Yes, i will think ranting swede is a cool guy
Yes, i will listen to country music and beegees and tracy chapman and vital signs and old indian songs and ghazals too and claim tht i like them all equally
Yes, i will have a bag of french fries everyday and maintain that there can be no staple diet without potatoes.
Yes, i will dream of sleeping 16 hrs everyday:p
Yes, i will paint my room lilac and try to smuggle a samurai jack figurine from japan because it goes with my room
Yes, i will read tintin comics, then recommend them to everyone and use captain haddock curses every now n then
Yes, i will keep a photo of my niece in my wallet no matter how obssesive compulsive disorderly ppl think me to be
Yes, i will want claim my love fr rasputin's hair and his mad-monk-nees openly:P
Yes, i will show-off fthat i can kill a lizard..its an achievement i tell u!
Yes, i will eat sugar free gum and claim that it tastes better.

Yes, i will display my love for sharpened pencils (esp. faber-castell) and get all finicky when i lose one
Yes, i will say that i like kenny G's music because i do
Yes, i will proudly say that i wanted to be an archeologist when i was in 6th grade
Yes, i will take showers tht last for an hour
Yes, i will listen to strings' kahani mohabbat ki all day cause i love it:p
Yes, i will watch friends episodes for the twentienth time and laugh like i saw it for the first time!!
Yes, i will have an awestruck dazed look on my face accompanied with a foolish grin when i walk into a HUGE book shop.
Yes, i will play crummy guitar and applaud myself on it.
Yes, i will say that i want to learn how to play a flute, (i tell one of these days ill actually get one:D)

then the world calls me wierd....childish...lazy...unfunny...ordinary...
*raise eyebrows*...

ask me if i care!:P

and...also;

No, i won't get rid of my Enid blyton collection
No, i wont stop listening to "to love somebody" OR jj for that matter:P
No, i dont care if u think i have too many scraps!!
No, i will also not give away my snoopy stufftoy or my shrek donkey:P
and
No, i wont stop this ranting today..i will conmtinue this post later..

Oh Yes.. i will

snippets

2005-05-14T19:12:00.000+05:00

"Those who forget history, are condemned to relive it"

this line was the opening line of a documentary i just saw ...

Alive

2005-05-14T18:35:00.000+05:00

The blood gushed into his head
Thoughts flooded over his mind
Clouded everything over
His entire life flashed right before his eyes

He was reminded of the past,
his mistakes, his regrets
his hurt

But something kept him breathing,
He was alive...

Alive,
and able to move on

2005-05-14T16:47:00.000+05:00

When the words break down and have nothing to say...

eyes then break the silence, and beg u to stay...

have i said it all...

2005-05-14T04:44:00.000+05:00

Have I said it all?

You came,
I saw your shadow,
I heard your voice, felt it...
but I just sat there...

wanted to say so much, but could not utter a word
wanted to speak out my thoughts,
wanted to open my soul to you...
but I remained silent

Maybe my silence said it all
but is "all" enough?

I still wonder...
Have I said it all?
or have I left just a reflection?

Have I said it all?
and have I said it well?

Well enough to make you remember me,
enough to make u smile at my thought

Has my silence given you a glimspe of my inner self?
Or is it only an illusion?

Have I said it all?
to last a lifetime__
in our hearts, souls and memories

Have I said it all?
Through the gleam in these eyes to your soul...
Not through the lips

I still lay in wonder...
Have I said it all?

dare

2005-05-14T03:46:00.000+05:00

this is an amazing song i heard quite a while ago....
may seem redundant n cliched at times but still..the lyrics are wonderful...only part of which are stated here...

Dare-
dare to believe u can survive
dare to keep all ur dreams alive

dare to be all u can be..
'cause thr's a place where dreams survive
and its calling u onto victory...

_Stan Bush

2005-05-13T00:14:00.000+05:00

yeh...kya howa?

kaisay howa?
kab howa?

...jab howa...tab howa...
o choro....
yeh na poocho!...

hmmm... yeh kya howa?

sigh

2005-05-12T06:24:00.000+05:00

u know wat my biggest problem is...

i have a habit of leaving things incomplete...

like only yesterda.........

do u really want another????

2005-05-12T06:09:00.000+05:00

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

nothing the matter...just REALLY wanted to do tht:D

u oughta know!!

2005-05-12T05:31:00.000+05:00

and im here...
to remind u...of the mess u left when u went away...
its not fair
to deny me of the cross i bear tht you u gave to me..

...n everytime i scratch my nails on someone elses back i hope you feel it
well can you feel it?

and every time u speak her name does she know how u told me ud hold me until you die?
till you died...

wel ure still alive!!
and im here...
to remind u...of the mess u left when u went away...

u oughta know!!

-Alanis Morisette

blah

2005-05-12T04:46:00.000+05:00

i swear..
today was a disapointment..
tired as i was id gone hoping for some intellectual discussion..
but nooooo
ppl just love fighting all around the bush...

Bravo to Kamaluddin for fighting alone...:P...
i however applaud him for his point on respecting teachers...well; luminites MUST learn some of tht...
just because u dont agree with marxism...doesnt mean u diss an instructor over it..who im dead SURE is ALOT smarter then u are 'mr. who-asked-the-last-question' to taimur:P get rid of ur bias n look beyond smtime...u will find thrs more to learn!!...

Bravo to taimur for logically still maintaining his case...and getting his point across the annoying ppl still in denial neway!...
and bravo also to aasim for not wasting his breath over the futile discussion that as usual lead nowhr..:)

ahh well..i guess its always gonna be like tht eh? futile undiplomatic discussions ruled by two parties of lobbyists...dissing each other off by turn...

arrgh...intellect and diplomacy is not that common is it:P

2005-05-11T02:41:00.000+05:00

nashay main tha....
tou main..apney hi ghar gaya kaisey???
yeh zeher meray lahoo main utar gaya kaisey?

-Nasir Kazmi

close the door...

2005-05-10T03:29:00.000+05:00

close it
close it
close it

....

open the window maybe?

2005-05-10T03:21:00.000+05:00

....

"according to my dictionary....friendship is defined as the linking up of two stroke gears in a combustible engine...

....

i have a horrible dictionary for which i apologize..."

>>:)

-Buddy

2005-05-10T03:20:00.000+05:00

loneliness

2005-05-10T03:18:00.000+05:00

..color...beauty...the signs of withering...

2005-05-10T03:16:00.000+05:00

.....night....

ive been thinking....

2005-05-09T23:58:00.000+05:00

if i were to sign off my own will...

wat would it include?
who will get wat?
would i have enough to give to the ppl i care abt?
will i in the haze of obscurity...the dread of leaving it all forget smthing?

ahh yes, im not that brave i admit it!

Death itself is not the issue..its the dread of not doing justice to my time here. Maybe i cudve done more, maybe i cudve used this very moment to touch another soul, maybe i couldve used this moment to tell smone...smthing...
maybe...

blablabla...

2005-05-09T05:41:00.000+05:00

today was a paradox....

ive been trying so hard to rid myself of chains that each struggle, each rebellion drags me down deeper. I had been thinking of myself as a rebel with a cause but usually i see the cause itself being flawed..being so layered...i remove layer upon layer upon layer..wat do i find another layer thicker then the last.

i dont know what i did to deserve all i have..God has been awfully kind...and i have been awfully ungrateful...

Then they say i should move on?...to what...ive lost so much time...and i lie under a constant fear tht i have little left...i almost cant take it anymore...but i keep living..every moment...piece by piece, and somehow God keeps putting it all together...piece by piece.

yea im driven by this unknown force...

i could just NOT have blog page without this....

2005-05-08T01:09:00.000+05:00

Empty thoughts

I’m growing numb…I’m afraid I can’t feel you anymore; can’t feel anything. Somehow I don’t even want to try because I’m losing my will. It hurts somewhere inside, somewhere deep down inside where I can’t hear it or even touch it, but it is there. The hurt is very much there. Day after day its presence haunts me and an endless sea of queries boils up inside me. Constantly striving to break free and conquer my soul.

My soul; that has already been bound in chains for so long…chains of vulnerability, regret and reality. The reality of this darkness called life; the reality of suffering and then learning to love it. The reality of pretending to see momentary flashes of hope, luminous steaks of love and trust in this tenebrous stillness…

The numbness is growing now to almost being a part of me. My soul has already been invaded and I’m afraid it’ll breakdown if anyone tries to reach it now. Anyone. Anything. The truth is, I can’t even feel myself now. And I…am lost…within myself and all that is a part of me. I’ve come a long way but I’m still not too sure where I’m headed. Sometimes I just stare at the ceiling for hours to end. Thinking. Searching. Maybe this helps to clear off my mind and send me into the bliss of reminiscence. Reminiscing about all those cherished moments that I’ve spent. The memories of the person I once was and of the people who once made me love my life. The people who helped me recognize all the beauty that one can see even in this obscurity. All one has to do is try hard enough. They taught me the significance a single moment can have. And how it can light up your life like a star in the night sky.
It was only yesterday. But life has brought me so far. It takes away from you so much and then it transforms you. Do you feel it? Did you ever want to overcome these undeniable distances that time creates, between you and your past? Between whom you were and now?

Somehow it feels horribly empty. And it seems that it will feel good to cry for once…..but the tears won’t flow. They just stay there, stuck. And the eyes remain dry.

Realization dawns upon me and I’m left all alone. I’m expected now to move on. Push all my wonderful memories back into a corner where their existence doesn’t seem significant. So I’m made to search and create a niche for myself in the seemingly never-ending sea of faces around me. And I feel so alone….alone like I’ve never felt, never perceived myself to be… alone I’m surrounded by company; alone as I make my decisions and alone as I aspire and dream to find a way out through this dark tunnel. And alone, as I try to trigger in me the belief of finding light at the other end.

There’s nothing really left now; to remind me of how I got here and where I was before this. I feel like a stranger in a new city. Gambling with fate, I hope that this time, it will be victory and all that I’ve ever searched for and all the dreams and desires I’ve nourished within me; will surface with pure, innocent and untouched beauty from the deepest corners of my soul’s benumbed silence.
So I dare to go on…..

You know what it feels like to be human?
To be a bird without wings?
It’s the disturbing feeling of falling back every time you try to fly. It’s the feeling of all the courage you must gather within yourself if you are to rise up into the skies again. And it’s also the feeling of…..believing in yourself. It’s believing that no matter how many times you fall, somewhere you will find all the strength inside to get up again. It is having faith that a child did not walk in straight line when it was taking its first few steps. In the end, I guess it is only my faith that will keep me going on. When there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to aspire and no one to lean onto. When all the people I believed to have held me up as being the pillars of my soul, decide to abandon me, thinking they are now not strong enough to bear the burden of my potential.

Thoughts cross my mind, why do I even bother for their support anyway? I suppose, all my life meeting so many people, going so many places, seeing so many faces- I never thought I’d have to or rather want to learn living on my own.

So standing here in midst of my wandering thoughts, shadowed by the ever growing mistrust around me, I push all the emotions churning inside me, to a place that allows me to be oblivious to the numbness around me, and to be oblivious to myself. I have learned that the easiest way to get on with life is to exist out of yourself and within a fake existence of what you could be and what perhaps ‘everyone would’ want you to be. The feeling of being able to satisfy oneself with that is more than enough for most people. But I feel it takes way the feeling of being human. After all, what is a human without all the hurt one bears and all the dreams that one nurtures in ones heart.

So I choose to possess the feeling of being human- with all the hurt, the broken promises and also all the silent prayers for a better world tomorrow. My world….

2005-05-06T04:15:00.000+05:00

Have u ever...?

Have you ever felt the pleasure, the deep content of seeing a person smile?
Have you ever experienced that calmness descending upon your soul, when you are the reason for that smile...?

Have you ever felt the serenity when it rains?
Have you ever sat by the window, and let the beautiful aroma of wet earth reach you;
Touch your soul?

Have you ever been mesmerized by a memory, long enough to keep you awake all night?
Have you ever missed somebody-not realizing the reason you miss them, and how much?
Have you ever been fascinated by a song….feeling utterly that it was written for your Life?

Have you ever been in a trance?
Fazed by all the love you can find in the world....only if you look hard enough;
And how much you can give back?

Have you ever let yourself love someone?
With all your heart and soul?
Have you ever seen a father love his daughter?
How he picks her up into his arms and hugs her?

Have you ever talked to someone-only the first time; and felt that you'd known them all your life?
Have you ever then felt the need of someone?
When darkness fills the night and all you're doing is staring up at the ceiling?

Have you ever been blessed by a shoulder to lean upon,
When you want to cry your heart out?
Have you ever realized how important it is to forget?
When people hurt you, or even when your own mistakes cause you deep hurt and regret,

Have you ever felt how hard it is to say goodbye,
To people you always took for granted?
Have you ever accepted the truth that one day you'll change, And so will people?

Have you ever felt how lucky you are-?
Only because you;
Feel...Feel all the love in this world,
Hear...Hear the rain falling; hear the people you care about calling your name...
See-see the beauty of a smile; see the glint in the eyes of an innocent child. ..
Touch-touch the softness of a flower petal,
Touch the smooth skin of a newborn baby'...

Have you ever buried all your unhappy emotions somewhere deep inside?
And counted your blessings?
Have you ever let yourself love the little joys of life,
Or did you let your pain take over- disguise life's hope and beauty with hurt and anguish?

Have you ever felt the need to cry then?
For no such reason...
Even when the tears won’t leave your eyes?
Have you ever then wanted to change the way life is...
Though knowing that it will always be there with pain and happiness together?

Have you ever noticed these things?
And felt how closely you can see life-yet never understand it completely?
Never come up with a perfect way to live it?
Have you ever felt this irony?
Been lost in this whirlpool of thoughts,
Been doubtful about everything you feel?

...Have you...?

Ever?